FA reporter arranges for an interview with Armando Iannucci, the noted creator of such shows as Veep and movies like The Death of Stalin. In his darkly comic work, characters are willfully mean to one another. The reporter is Nancy Updike, and her interview will be for a show she edits This American Life. She is a big fan of Iannucci’s work and is eager to conduct the interview.
Just as Nancy meets Iannucci, she suffers a nosebleed—a real gusher. Off she goes to the bathroom. Nancy recalls one female character in an Iannucci movie suffering bleeding teeth, a source of mockery for other characters.
Iannucci may spin stories of spiteful people, but Iannucci the person is different. As Nancy says, “I walked out of the bathroom, not even sure the interview was still possible. So much time had been lost. And [Iannucci] said, with perfect grace, ‘I’m not in a rush.’” The interview will go on, and Iannucci will make extra time for it.
As someone who has experienced nosebleeds, including just before going on stage to speak, I know the sheer embarrassment of the moment. Your sense of dignity is floating out of your nose. You want to speak, but you need to tend to your nose first. All of us have been in these kinds of situations where we want to make a good impression, but circumstances get in the way.
This story got me thinking about how often, in our moments of weakness or embarrassment—when we believe we will be met with hostility—we encounter grace and understanding. When you are on the receiving end, the sense of mortification melts away, and relief floods in. Our sympathies lie with the sufferer, but how often, when we encounter someone having a moment of discomfort, we fall back on our own sense of self-importance?
Put Yourself Second
Our intention is not cruelty; our lack of intention is the problem. After all, we are busy people, and busy people cannot be bothered by other people’s problems. So, what can we do to ensure that our intentions outshine our lack of them? Here are some suggestions.
Be present. Know what is happening at the moment. Read the expressions of those you are with. Believe it or not, you may not be the most important person in their lives, even if you are their boss. Make eye contact. Smile, if appropriate.
Be empathetic. Slow down. Listen to what others are saying. Do not leap to conclusions, like, “I’ve heard this before.” Express sympathy by asking how they are feeling and coping in the moment.
Be compassionate. Ask what you can do to help. Sometimes, the only thing to do is to listen. Other times, you can help them solve a problem or contribute. Be there for them by listening and acting when necessary.
All of these actions are easy to say but often hard to implement. This is not because we are self-absorbed but because the pace of our lives pushes and pulls us, and so we do not always act with the best of intentions.
Acting with kindness
There is a story I have told a few times, maybe even on stage – when my nose was not bleeding. It involves Winston Churchill, who at times could be very brusque and unchivalrous, meeting James Allan Ward, a New Zealand airman who had risked his life climbing out of the bomber to extinguish a fire in one of the engines of his Wellington bomber. Ward’s bravery earned him the Victoria Cross, Britain’s highest award for valor. His bravery, however, did not shield him from a bad case of nerves as Churchill approached him. “You must feel very humble and awkward in my presence.” Ward said, “Yes, sir.” Churchill, a combat vet, responded warmly, “Then you can imagine how humble and awkward I feel in yours.”
First posted on Forbes.com on 1.22.2025